I finally have HOPE.

I remember the first time I felt Hope. I heard about Hope and people having Hope but I never experienced it myself. 

I was in S-America Suriname 2010. I was going through so much y'all, I had no feeling, its was like I was just roaming the earth with no direction. I just had a terrible breakup (that breakup turned out to be the best thing in my life). I gave up my apartment, my car, my job and even left the United States and moved back Home to my mama. I wasn't thinking for myself and needed to be with people who loved me and could handle what I was going through. It wasn't the breakup that had me going insane, it was the fact that I had allowed such a person into my life and screw things up so bad. 

So here I am in Suriname with my everyday Church going Mother. I woke up early one Sunday, got dressed up, felt good and decided to go to church with my mom. The service was really good, however towards the end of the service, the pastor called me up to the alter. being my shy self  I pretended that he wasn't talking to me. He then called on me again and asked me to come up. I started to slowly walk towards him, while everyone starred at me. He then said "God told me to tell you, that your going to have an empire, remember what I am telling you".

I believed him. I believed that God send him a message to give to me. I'm not sure  why I believed him with every ounce of me. Maybe because I had nothing else to believe in, maybe because I needed to hear that my future has a future. I don't know what it was but I never believed in something as much as I believed in those words.

I'm not going to lie, I didn't automatically snap out of my depression BUT that day changed my life. I woke up thinking about my empire, I went to sleep thinking about my empire, and now I'm working towards my Empire. I finally have hope

I have pretty Shitty days.

Please don't think I'm perfect. Don't put me on this high pedestal that I can't even be on. I always want to keep it 💯. I have some really amazing days then I have some really shitty days, where I just don't want to get out of bed. We as women (people) are always scared to show emotions, we always have to be so "strong" showing any signs of vulnerability labels us, automatically as weak. Showing feelings makes us human! Man it's hard out here, with less then a dollar or more then a million dollars in your bank account, it's hard for everyone! People always act like they know it all or never made mistakes... Man my mistake sheet is loooooonnnngggg and I defitnetly don't know it all!! I am learning every single day, New makeup tips, hair tips, everything tips. I'm saying this to say nobody is perfect. Don't let a "picture" of someone else's success make you feel less then because it's just a picture that your seeing. You have no idea what somebody had to go through to get that picture perfect "picture". Be honest with the BS in ya life. Not saying that you should broadcast all ya dirty laundry for the world to see, but just be honest. I read something the other day that said, "I don't understand how people buy clothes to LOOK rich" it made me chuckle because once upon a time I bought a car that was wayyyy out my budget... Lol still regretting that. But it was a mistake and now I stay in my budget and live each day the best way I can. If I need to stay in bed for a day, I do just that. I'm not putting on a show for nobody. This is my life. And I have pretty shitty days.